Words from a Hat
by mistress akasha
Summary: A collection of one-shots all based off of words that I randomly draw out of a hat! Rated for language.


**Akasha: Hello! This is a short collection of works, because I just have these ideas that need to be written and hopefully read.**

**Kakashi: They wouldn't make sense in a story soooooooo TaDA!**

**Akasha: Thanks, dear **** I don't own Naruto**

**Word One: Cockroach **

Konan returned back to the base after a long mission. She was soaked, since she had to walk through the rain. She was completely drained; she barely had enough chakra to hold her head up. Dragging her battered body across the base, Konan thought of only one thing: a long, hot, relaxing, much needed bubble bath. Kakuzu walked down the hall and bowed his head at Konan. _Why is she smiling like that? _He thought as he had passed her. He inwardly debated stopping and turning around to stare and make sure this was Konan, the ice princess of the Akatsuki. _Whatever the reason that she is smiling for, I do NOT want to get involved._ Kakuzu decided and walked away just the slightest bit faster. Meanwhile Konan didn't notice Kakuzu or his strange looks, she was intently focused on getting to her private bathroom and cracking open her vanilla-scented bubble bath. She finally made it to her room. She closed her bedroom door, and dragged her ankle coverings down with her foot. Kicking off her shoes and she undid her robe. Konan pulled her shirt off over her head, still headed towards her bathroom leaving a trail of dirty clothes and mud. She made it to her bathroom and hooked her thumbs in the waistband of her pants. She caught something moving out of the corner of her eye, and quickly turned to hit if with a needle. Konan noticed what the object was and let out a loud scream. She immediately ran out of the bathroom and jerked her door open to run into a chest.

Kakuzu put his hands on Konan's shoulders. "Konan? What's wrong?" Konan breathing heavily pointed towards her bathroom. Kakuzu looked back at the other Akatsuki members who came running when they heard Konan scream. Pain shrugged. White Zetsu looked at Kakuzu impassively, while Black Zetsu made an off comment about women screaming and how annoying that was. Hidan looked disappointed that there was no blood. Tobi was bouncing in the background trying to see over everyone to see what was happening. Sasori calmly stood in the hallway observing everything from a distance. Deidara was checking out Konan's boobs while she wasn't really herself. Kisame and Itachi were on a mission but should be back soon. Kakuzu sighed and stepped around the shirtless girl and headed into her room. He slowly entered her bathroom. _There is no one in here. What on earth could she be screaming ab- _Kakuzu's thoughts were cut off as his eyes widened. He made a hasty retreat to the hallway.

"So what was it, Kakuzu un?" Deidara asked excitedly. Kakuzu looked at Deidara, "Why don't you just go see for yourself." Deidara raised an eyebrow at the man's sharp comeback, yet decided to go check out what's in the bathroom anyway. He spared on last glance at the shirtless Konan before venturing into her room. Deidara scoped out the room, secretly hoping that she left her panties lying about. Sorely disappointed he entered the bathroom. _Damn, Konan un. Your bras are sexy and there are no panties lying around for me to oogle! Un, this simply isn't fair. Would it kill you to just not put up your laundry, un? Or maybe just leave out your underwear, un? Anyway, what is Kakuzu talking about, un? The bathroom is emp-_Deidara shrieked and promptly streaked out of the bathroom and into the hallway. He dove behind Kakuzu.

Hidan was laughing so hard that he was rolling on the floor in the hallway. "What on earth is that shit about, blondie?" Deidara just glared at him from behind Kakuzu. "It was scary ok, Hidan un." Kakuzu looked sternly at the young man who had chosen to hide behind him. Konan was muttering and hugging herself tightly. Pein sighed and walked into Konan's room. He strode easily into the bathroom and instantly went on alert. _I can't see the enemy immediately. They must be good. Maybe they are using a genjustu. That could be why Deidara was so frightened. But then again it is Deidara, he is kind of weird. But Kakuzu's reaction was quite strange. What on earth could have caused that-_ Pein simply walked out of Konan's room. Kakuzu gave him a quizzical look. Deidara peeked out from behind Kakuzu. Konan was completely spaced out and muttering away. Hidan was still laughing at Deidara. Zetsu and Tobi watched their leader with interest. Pein turned on his heel and walked away down the hall and went to his office. They heard the door slam and a scuttle of objects moving. Soon a piercing scream hit their ears. Konan jumped in surprise and dove into Deidara's arms. Deidara jumped onto Kakuzu who was knocked to the ground by the blonde. Hidan started laughing even harder. Zetsu and Tobi shared a look.

Zetsu stepped forward and ventured into Konan's room. White Zetsu politely kept his focus on the bathroom. Black Zetsu was complaining about how there was nothing sexy left out in the open. "**How much trouble is it to leave out just one sexy panties and bra set? I fail to understand why girls have to be so neat. I mean aren't you curious? Just look at that rack on her!" ** "That is not polite, nor professional. Just be quiet and let's figure this out." **"Such a goodie-two shoes. Fine. I'm hungry anyway." ** White Zetsu sighed as he entered the bathroom. _Now where is this intruder that seems to be scaring everyone? __**Have you checked-HOLY SHIT! **__What is it-CRAP!_ RUN AWAY RUN AWAY! Zetsu phased into the floor and reappeared back in the hallway with his flytrap shut tightly. Hidan looked at him in confusion. "What did you see in there plant?" Zetsu shook his whole body furiously, refusing to open his flytrap. Hidan tried again, "I said what the fuck did you see in there, plant?!" Zetsu opened his flytrap just a hair. "Why don't you go **fucking see for yourself, **you moronic **jackass! Those things could fucking **kill us!" With that being said, Zetsu slammed his fly trap shut and joined the group hiding behind Kakuzu. Kakuzu was standing once again. Deidara had a bruise forming on his forehead, but was still holding Konan so he was beyond content. Konan was hiding herself in Deidara's hair. Pein let out another screech from his office.

Tobi stepped forward. "Tobi is a good boy who will check out what scared Konan-chan!" Kakuzu sighed. Tobi skipped into Konan's room. He tripped over Konan's discarded shoe. He lay on the floor groaning, "Tobi is a good boy…who hurts…I think I need a Band-Aid for my booboo." Kakuzu pinched the bridge of his nose. Hidan was having a ball with this entire situation. Sasori walked up and silently enter Konan's room. He knelt down next to Tobi and inspected him for injury. After healing up a couple scrapes and a bruised chin, Sasori stood up. He offered his hand to Tobi. Tobi bounced right back up, "I feel so much better Sasori-danna. Thank you, sooooo much!" Tobi hugged Sasori tightly before Sasori could escape. Hidan snickered loudly out in the hallway. Sasori let out a couple of deep breaths before patting Tobi on the back. Tobi grabbed Sasori's hand and powered forward towards the bathroom, "Let's go check out what's in there Danna!" Sasori was jerked along behind the boy before he had anytime to protest. Kakuzu felt his own shoulder ache out of pity for Sasori's as he watched the red-head get dragged away by the overly zealous masked brunette. Hidan smirked, "This day is just so damn entertaining. I thought it was going to be a horrible day after that sacrifice I did this morning, but holy fuck was I ever wrong! Praise Jashin for such a good-fucking day!" Deidara scowled at Hidan from behind Kakuzu. He hugged Konan tighter, pressing her tighter into his chest. Konan simply twitched a bit, still not entirely aware of what was happening. Zetsu was squatting on the ground behind Deidara with his flytrap shut up tight. Kakuzu was about to tell Hidan to go tackle the force in the bathroom, when Tobi ran straight past him screaming and dragging a terrified looking Sasori behind him. Kakuzu used his tentacles to stop Tobi and save Sasori. "Are you two ok? Did it touch you?" Tobi shook his head furiously. "No, Kakuzu-senpai. It didn't touch Tobi. But Tobi thinks it got Sasori. He went all quiet and stiff and Tobi got scared and ran away like a good boy." Kakuzu turned his attention to Sasori. The red head was stiff and silent. "Sasori? Can you hear me?" Kakuzu put Tobi down and he scampered over to hide behind Zetsu. Kakuzu shook Sasori gently to try and get a response out of him. When he didn't respond, Deidara peeked his head over Kakuzu's shoulder. "Danna, un?" Deidara asked. "Is he going to be ok, un? He has to be. This wouldn't be fair if he wasn't, un. Danna wake up, un!" Kakuzu shot a glare at Deidara. "Sasori, wake up!" Kakuzu slapped Sasori. He didn't even react. "We lost him," Kakuzu reported as he gently laid the red head down in the hallway on the other side of Zetsu. Deidara hit the ground on his knees, "Noooooooo, Danna un! Why!?" Hidan smacked Deidara upside the head, "He just fainted you fucking idiot." Deidara turned to him with tears in his eyes, "Then you go and see what is in there, un!"

Hidan shrugged, "Sure. And I will kill it unlike all of you fucking pussies." He grinned cockily and sauntered into Konan's room. He continued his strut while fully enjoying looking around Konan's room. _Look. It is all clean and girly and shit. Who knew that Konan would be into that kind of stuff. _ He walked into the bathroom. _At least it isn't fucking pink. Now what the fuck is in here that has all of these guys screaming for? It has my blood boiling. Huh? That can't be it. _Hidan walked back to the doorway. "A fucking roach? That has y'all scared shitless? Are you even fucking serious!?" Hidan started laughing. "I mean, 'oh Jashin! There is a roach and it is so scary that I have to fucking run and hide behind someone else!' really? Y'all call yourselves ninjas. HA! My fucking bunny slippers are braver than you pussies." Deidara's cheeks were getting red with anger. "Don't you insult my Danna like that, un! If you are so big and bad why don't you go kill it?!" Hidan smiled, "Of course, sweetheart. Don't you worry your pretty fucking little head. Big, strong, and brave Hidan here will go kill that mean old nasty roach for you." Hidan poked Deidara on the nose and quickly sauntered out of hitting range as Deidara flailed one of his arms about trying to hit Hidan without disturbing Konan. Kakuzu stuck out an arm to stop Deidara, "Go kill it, Hidan" "Whatever you say, princess." Hidan smiled sweetly and went back into the bathroom. Kakuzu pinched the bridge of his nose with his other hand as Deidara was making quite a racket about being called princess. There was a loud bang in Konan's bathroom. Tobi jumped on top of Zetsu's flytrap. Kakuzu peered into Konan's dark room in an attempt to see Hidan with no prevail. There were a couple more loud crashes. Even Deidara shut up and tried to see into the darkness. Sasori still hadn't moved. Konan was still in her own world. Pein started screaming again from his office and from the sound of it throwing things at the door. Kakuzu was about to take a step inside the room when Hidan came rushing out in his curse technique form. His spear was sticking out of his chest, and blood was running down his torso. "The little fucker just won't die! I don't understand it. Nothing has ever fucking survived my rituals! Has Jashin become displeased with me? Oh shit. No no, Jashin, please forgive me for I have sinned. You have turned your favor away from me and I must repent." He twisted the spear of his chest and began to stab himself with it. Kakuzu, Deidara, and Tobi just watched him in silence. Tobi shrugged and started attaching ribbon to Zetsu's flytrap. Kakuzu simply sighed in annoyance. Deidara just started laughing. "Who is the big, strong, and brave on now, un!?" Hidan paid the blonde no attention, "Jashin-sama, please forgive me for whatever sins I have committed against you." He plunged his spear into his chest one last time and fell down sprawled across the hallway.

"What on earth happened here? Did we miss some party?" Kakuzu looked up at the sound of the voice. He sighed and shook his head. "I wish it was some party. Sadly, we are all trying to kill a roach that is in Konan's bathroom." Kisame tilted his head to the side a bit, "I'm sorry. Did you say a roach?" Kakuzu nodded. "All of you have been outdone by a roach, not an anbu or anything? A roach?" Kakuzu felt embarrassment flood over him. He simply nodded again," Yes a roach." Kisame suddenly started laughing. "That is fucking great! Itachi-san, do you hear this? The mighty Akatsuki members are unable to kill a roach!" Itachi let a small smile grace his lips. "We return home from a three week mission where we infiltrated the Sound and braved Orochimaru's experiments to retrieve his ring to find our comrades scared to death of a little roach!" Deidara shouted," Then you go kill it if you are so confident, un!" Kisame smiled a toothy smile, "I will go smash that bug and show you how a real ninja does it. Look, I'll leave you my Samehada." He put the gigantic sword on the ground and leaned it up against the wall. Kisame went into Konan's room. _How can one little bug be the undoing of the entire Akatsuki? I mean damn. What is this? Aren't we supposed to be S-class ninja who strike fear into the hearts of many? Aren't we the reason why people are scared to go outside at night. And here we are scared of a roach. We better never let our enemies know. They just might laugh at us before filling the whole base with roaches or something. Let's see where is this little sucker? He is scheduled for a meeting with the bottom of my shoe. Oh there it is-_ Kisame speed walked right out of the room. Deidara asked, "Did you kill it?" Kisame looked at him, "I take back all of my previous teasings. If you need me, I'll be in the kitchen eating all of the ice cream in the freezer." He grabbed Samehada and stepped over Hidan quickly disappearing down the hallway towards the kitchen.

Kakuzu and Deidara stared as Kisame, the largest man in the Akatsuki, just ran away from a roach. They were too shocked to even laugh. Kakuzu looked at Deidara, then back down the hall in disbelief. There was no way that just happened. Right? Deidara gave Kakuzu a confused stare. Kakuzu just shrugged his shoulders and turned his attention to the small Uchiha, who suddenly wasn't there anymore. Kakuzu looked around the hall. Itachi was nowhere to be seen. Kakuzu looked into Konan's room. He couldn't see Itachi. Kakuzu thought about where he could have gone. Then Kakuzu heard the toilet flushing in Konan's bathroom. Itachi walked out, "All taken care of." Kakuzu stared at the young man in disbelief. "You killed it?" Itachi nodded. "And flushed it down the toilet?" Itachi nodded again. Kakuzu was shocked. Konan was snapped out of her daze once Itachi had announced that the roach was dead. She waltzed back into her room stopping to nod to Itachi. She promptly closed the door and soon running water could be heard. Zetsu had phased into the floor. Tobi was harassing Deidara who was trying to carry Sasori back to his room. Hidan was in the middle of his ritual. Kakuzu went up to Itachi, "How did you do it?" Itachi smiled, "I can't give away all of my tricks now can I, Kakuzu?" He then walked away leaving Kakuzu to stare at him in amazement.

**Akasha: Please review! Also if you have any words that you want me to write about, just leave them in a review or private message me with a reminder. That's just how this story will work. I get words and will write these one-shots with them! **

**Kakashi: But reviewing is so much easier!**

**Akasha: I know but I am just giving them options! Like a good host!**

**Kakashi: Psh. Good host my butt.**

**Akasha: Are you insulting my Southern hospitality!? My family raised me right, excuse you! **

**Kakashi: Of course not, dear **

**Akasha: Why don't I believe you? What are you trying to sa-**

**Kakashi: Please review!**


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